Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
What the hell is going on?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
oh u like geography? name every lake
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like