I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not