I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
This cat wants you to take your pills
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
pictures of spider-man
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!