Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
What the hell is going on?
If a snake ate a cake
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.