Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Eggs benadryl my favourite
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Hotels are back
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.