If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest