I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.