Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day