babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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okay run it by me one more time
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”