[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Good point.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Accurate
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir