I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”