ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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War & Peace
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My Guy
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I love it all
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.