Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Happy Friday
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?