Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You Might Also Like
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: