Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
You Might Also Like
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.