I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.