STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
You Might Also Like
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.