Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds