How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE