4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name