Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.