The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
You Might Also Like
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk