On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation