Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Sheep
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Good dog. ❤️
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.