I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading