MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
You Might Also Like
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”