I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
wtf is an acronym
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Yup.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
🛁
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job