My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Okay, I’m still confused…
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate