Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Friday night party time 🥳
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
3% human
97% stress
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband