“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
decorating my apartment
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.