when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Why I divorced her.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…