The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Ok but actually
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520