7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one