The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.