What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
You Might Also Like
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Netflix and you sit over there.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry