penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
tourist season
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator