If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for