Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders