So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
You Might Also Like
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Sooo many times…..
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Meow
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%