terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
You Might Also Like
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.