I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
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PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?