The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You Might Also Like
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If looks could kill
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
a lot to unpack here
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh