Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
File under excellent bookstore names.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying