I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Lucky old June.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad