I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
cats when you pet them too long:
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo