Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder