My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
You Might Also Like
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me too door. Me too.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.