This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.