Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.