Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
You better watch out
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler